28 August 2008


Its funny watching the olympics when you are not in your country. I have been away from Australia the last 3 Olympics. 2000 I was in China, the opening ceremony was viewed in a bar that we were sure would have some olympic excitement it was called the "Australia Bar" It did NOT have any olympic excitement (even though 2000 was actually in OZ HELLO!), in fact we had to request the TV to be turned on and then the waitresses, several times, tripped over the cord, hence ripping it out of the socket without realising it, which halted the coverage and then we had to wait for them to plug that shit back in. Our new student accommodation TVs had to be tuned in to get any olympic coverage, this was a massive feat on my part, cause I ended up tuning the damn thing, ALL IN CHINESE. I dont even know how to tune a TV in english! It took me hours! THEN I realised that the coverage in different countries generally focus on the athletes and excelled sports of said country, so when when Thorpie was about to win gold in the pool or Kathy Freeman was about to win gold on the track, all I had to watch was the damn PING PONG! Stupid Ping Pong!

In Spain now, its a little easier cause I understand the language, I understand what the hell they say n the TV, I can tell if I am watching a final or a heat (not so easy in chinese) and I am both supporting the success and failures of both Australia and Spain. Spain has actually had pretty good coverage of everything so I have been able to see lots of Australian action.

Some of the coverage has been pretty funny. This one guy, a Taikwondo champion, Juan Antonio Ramos, he was a favourite to win, and he ended up coming 4th, he was interviewed straight after and he was crying like a baby and said he was disappointed that he couldnt dedicate a medal to his wife (how romantic blurgh) then he said between tears "La vida es una mierda!" LIFE IS SHIT! Ha! Hilarious! Alright mate calm down. We´ve been laughing about that for days now.
The commentators are also hilarious, Supposedly, in hockey, Australia lost a game on purpose to be able to play Spain in the semis cause they thought they would be easier... when spain beat australia, the commentator lost it and started screaming "TAKE THAT AUSTRALIA, SUCK IT, SUCKED IN, YOU WANTED SPAIN, TAKE SPAIN!" I for one think this is a little immature and un-sportsman like but here it seems to be quite normal!
One commentator was interviewing this jamaican woman runner after a heat, obviously he had to interview her in his average english, it was a 20 second interview, he then translated what was said and it had absolutely no resemblance to what really happened! And he spoke for about 2 minutes about what was said...I was screaming..."she didnt even SAY that!! This commentator was just making shit up for exciting coverage! Dodgy!

LAS VEGAS - Bucks Night

Hens night blog to come.... but here is a funny pic in the meantime of Jody getting an impromtu strip from some guy at the restaurant. The tattoo on his belly said Paco, but I like to think it said Taco, caused it looked like he ate alot of them.

Marcos came back from the bucks night asking what does "what happens in vegas stays in vegas" mean exactly. Hmmm, this frightened me somewhat and I said if the groom used those words then he must tell me NOW. No no no he said, the groom behaved respectably, some other guy was saying it all night. OK I say, thats all I need to know, and just for future reference, what happens in Vegas, does not stay in Vegas, it is told to me and I will then decide what to do with the information. So he told me they went to a lap dancing club, well, he didnt just tell me, he showed me the moves they did, all done in a very gay like fashion, (he is really into the show Fama, which is the spanish version of "So you think you can Dance") which was riveting let me tell you. He also said that he wasnt very popular with the strippers, as one of them screamed at him!!! He said he paid his 20 bucks for 1 lap dance and he said he wasnt gonna spend any more (mind you he had just spent 160US$ on a very expensive dinner), so later one of the strippers came along and he said to her oh, no, no thanks I dont have any more money, she then screamed at him, "then get out of here you cheap bastard!" Ironically this same stripper lost her diamonte belt chain in front of Marcos so he kept it as a souviner - hiding it in his shoe - even though she came back later looking for it with a scowling face! So now we have an angry vegas strippers diamonte belt hanging from a hook in our lounge room, a real interior design gem. The lap dance he did get gave him a, I will say, small lesion on his leg where the slutty stiletto of the stripper must have cut him, he still has a scab to which he now looks at and exclaims, "Ive still got a scab, Im gonna sue that fucking stripper, it´ll probably scar!" Hilarious!

21 August 2008


Little Betty and I hanging out after the below crying incident. She is clearly laughing about how mean she was to me. Little Satan Baby!

In LA I met Betty for the first time. LITTLE BABY BETTY IS SO ADORABLE!!!!! Granted the first day I was with her, Teeny (my sister) and my Mum went to a taping of The Ellen Show, I volunteered to baby sit Betty. She was sleeping at first and looked so lovely, she then woke up and I put her in the pram for a spot of shopping. well the damn alien was fine until I stopped to look and things and then she CRIED, it seems she just wanted to go for a little walk and all the american goods that were on offer for bargain prices due to the weakness of the dollar were not of interest to the terry towelling pink bonds jumpsuited little satan. I gave up and went back to the hotel. Then it was time for her bottle and she didnt even want it and MORE crying! It seems what she wanted after much crying was to lean her little head on my forearm in a very uncomfortable position for me, while I bounced her around the room and the halls of the hotel. FOR AN HOUR! Then she fell asleep and it wasnt even sleep time! Lazy bastard! But then she was so cute asleep I forgave her for all the pain she had just caused me.....Oh but yes, there was more pain to come. That evening, with a suspected upset tummy from the long flight, she projectile vommited her weight in spew onto me, leaving me with puddles of vommit in the creases of my jeans. THEN, the next day, all comfy on Aunty kristy´s tummy in the Baby Bjorn, Aunty Kristy suddenly feels something wet on her feet. I scream, I THINK BABY BETTY JUST PEED ON MY FEET. As I couldnt see my feet cause the view was being blocked by baby betty bouncing in the baby bjorn, my sister inspects the mysterious liquid. "Um thats not pee its poo" It seems baby bettys upset tummy is still wreaking havoc and american babies have fatter asses that the aussies cause the runny poo escaped out the sides of the ill fitting pampers. As a true trooper mother teeny wipes my feet with a wet wipe, takes the runny poo filled baby (GET HER OFF ME) snaps the baby born on her own body and heads back to the hotel to clean up. Kids are ROTTEN!

Jody (the bride) later joined us and we packed the hire car up to look like national lampoons family vacation. The car was decent sized, my suitcase was small enough to fit in the front seat of the car on the floor, everyone else however had packed as if they were immigrants leaving their countries for good... Teeny packed a GIANT suitcase and then ANOTHER medium sized one... claiming that all of Betty´s 000 sized bonds jumpsuits really do take up alot of room. So we had to make a trip to Kmart which was an adventure in itself, to buy a tarp and things to secure the goods. We had roof racks so we piled Teenys stuff of the top of the car, figuring baby Betty wouldnt care if she lost a few nappies, jumpsuits or her pram, covered it with a tarp and embaressingly drove all the way to Vegas with a bright blue tarp flapping dangerously in the wind. The Vegas mixed CD I had prepared (with great vegas hits such as viva los vegas and a great kenny rogers track) and bought along made us feel cool from the inside of the car but we certainly didnt look cool from the outside.

OK maybe Little betty is cool, both inside and out! So cute!

LA was quite fun, all I can really write about as far as sightseeing is the "tour of the stars homes" limo ride that we took. This was very fun and we of course took vino in the ride to be truly famous looking. The hightlight of the limo right was when we had consumed all of the vino and therefor were busting to pee. Where does a limo stop when its occupants need to go to the toilet? Well of course it stops at the public toilet when George Michael got busted doing dodgy business. Here we are at said toilet... so cool.

Oh and I saw my long lost friend Malko which was AWESOME as the americans would say. New Rule Malko...no wearing watches in gym class! MUA!


From New York we caught a plane across to San Francisco with a brief stopover in Chicago airport where we unfortunately did not see Oprah WInfrey (bummer). after arriving in San Fransisco you instantly get the feeling you are by the water, its just got that coastal beach vibe about it. Its just so damn pretty! The architecture, the blue skies, and those streets! Damn they are steep! Everything you imagine and more. We saw some closed ones whose slopes were too dangerous for cars, but methinks you may fall backwards while walking up one...so steep. Mum, who was yelling "taxi" like a true New Yorker at any given second, had a few tantrums at the bottom or top of many of these steep streets. She didnt have a heart attack though and am sure one day (?) will thank me for making her walk the famous Lombard street. Was fantastic to have some great asian meals as they are in very very short supply in seville, we got local in chinatown and had a fabulous chinese meal with a bossy over the top waiter who pretty much forced us to order what he wanted us to.... then the next day got glam and went to a posher chinese restaurant in the Ferry Market building which was just simply divine...I LOVE FOOD!

From San Francisco we hired a car, Mum bought her Tom Tom GPS which HELLO is a travellers DREAM, what an amazing little gadget! It made everything so easy! How many cities have I been lost in! Heaps! Most notably trying to get out of Lisbon to go south and ending up in Benfica which is neither Lisbon nor south. Also missing the turn off for Verona, in Italy not once but 3 times in a row, each time having to try and turn around and come back on the highway and passing that damn Vincenza town the whole damn time... a 1 1/2 trip turned into 4 hours. But not those sorts of troubles with Tom Tom! I love him!

Tom Tom cant solve all problems though. We left San Fran at approx 8:30am... the plan was to cruise on down Highway 1 (USA version of the Great Ocean Road) enjoy the scenery, stop for lunch, see the seals, and arrive in Santa Barbara in the early evening. WELL. We started off well, I bought the best of the Beach Boys to get us in the californian mood, the sun was shining, the views were amazing, lots of cool places to stop and take pics. We stopped at a place to have lunch with amazing views. Twas during this lunch that we saw in the distance, a plume of smoke that kinda looked like a tornado. So we continue our journey, only to be later stopped (about 2.30pm) by higway patrol who said in his most bestest american accent. "Sorry mam, there is an accident and a fire, you have to go back to where you came from" "WE CAME FROM SAN FRANCISCO" I SCREAMED! Highway 1 is one highway, and for a very large part of it, it has no exits as it has coast on one side and lush forest on the other... There was no choice, we had to drive all the way back to the point where you can get the inland 101 highway.... the BORING inland 101! Nooooooo! We even missed the seals! We arrived in Santa Barbara so late there was no time to see anything and we were up at the crack of dawn to head straight to LA airport to pick up my sister teeny and my little niece Baby Betty.


Being that I havent blogged for ages, I thought it about damn time I blogged about my USA trip and Jodys wedding... so long ago but so much damn fun and looking back on the pics I just want her to get married again.

I visited such great cities they have to be blogged about seperately....

We´ll start in New York...
The plan was to meet Mum in New York. Is there anything more glamorous than meeting someone in New York? Well of course in theory its glamorous but in reality after a 12 hour flight where I got drunk for the first time (love Lufthansa! They passed by after dinner asking if I wanted "Cognac or Baileys" as my after dinner beverage. Of course I accepted a Cognac as Baileys is for wimps, and they presented me with a giant glass of the throat burning and instant sleep inducing Cognac. Nice one.) We co-ordinated flight times perfectly and she arrived a couple of hours before me at JFK airport. We had an exciting reunion, hugs, kisses, but no tears, which was unusual for Mum cause she normally cries at everything, I soon found out why. She said while she was waiting she ordered a coffee so she was alert for my arrival after such a long flight from Sydney, they served her a coffee that contained so much liquid that she could have washed her car with it. She drank it of course and was so very high on the caffeine she was unable to muster even a tear for her long lost daughter.

I always try to stay in the cheapest hotels, and my mum is used to this after doing a bit of travel with me in europe, this hotel was by far one of the worst I had ever stayed it...strangely Marcos recommended it to me, and he loved it! I don´t think he stayed on the same floor as us cause ours was rough, Mums bed had a blood stain on it! I said it was brown and could have just as easily of been poo but that was no consolation. Lucky hers was a double bed and she vowed to sleep on the "clean" side, she is a good sport. We liked the crazy characters that we passed in the hall, one was a loud black prostitute (well maybe she wasnt a prostitute but who wears red lipstick, big hair, heels and tight black capris at 8am?) a sweet looking russian prostitute (well maybe she wasnt a prostitute but who wears a night dress and heels through the hallways of a dodgy hostel and leaves her door slightly ajar to see only a bed surrounded by 50 tealight candles?) and a man who looked homeless but he wasn´t homeless obviously cause he lived at the hostel. They were our savoury neighbours for the duration of our stay. I told Mum to toughen up, the New York experience calls for a level of danger!

On the first day we met up with an old friend Lidia, supposedly just for lunch, but of course when the kids from Blacktown come out to play, lunch turns into 3 cocktails at a bar afterwards and stumbling through the streets of New York trying on hats in random shops. My first cosmopolitans for the trip so it needed to happen. That evening Mum and I had tickets for the broadway show called "Jersey Boys" we had both bought special outfits and accessories for our Broadway theatre experience but of course after a bottle of wine and 3 cocktails during the day there was no time for glamour and we needed to fill in a bit of time before the show.
We came across this bar, the russian vodka bar that advertised an "attitude adjustment hour". I told Mum that she had a serious attitude problem and that the russians needed to adjust it. She agreed that she had a very bad attitude too so we went to try and adjust it with some more cosmopolitans.

We were starting to see a common theme in america, everything was giant. Mum ordered an ice tea and it was twice the size of her head, she drank about 1/8th of the thing! Too giant! We stopped at a deli for sandwiches, the sandwiches had about 80 slices of meat on them! Mine came with a side of chips, they were the size of my head! (americans must measure everything with their head, fuck rulers!) We couldnt stop laughing at the sheer absurdity of it!

I loved all the New York accents, like on TV but in real life! We went to a gospel church in Harlem where the pastor did not disappoint with his "Praise the Lord" deep loud, african american sounding voice. One guy was fighting with his girlfriend on the street, she was walking ahead defiantly and he was tagging behind, baggy pants and all shouting, "Fuck you biiitch, you want some other nigga, plenty otha niggas out there for ya" It was just so exciting! One glamorously dressed couple near central park stopped to give us directions and then came out with an accent like Nanny Fine! Straight from Queens! So cool!